A strange week ending

What a bittersweet day. R came with me to the funeral of my brother's father in law. And R realised it was probably the last time he would see my family (of whom he is very fond).Melancholy all round. Tears this evening.
And tomorrow I return to the scene of the announcement as I head to our house in France. I haven't quite allowed me feelings to emerge on this one- it could be a long week.

Imagining...

Because we're still living in the same house, I find it hard to imagine what the future will be like. If I can only tame the terrors of poverty and growing old alone, I might begin to imagine a new life.
It's pointless going over all that I will miss - the easy companionship, the laughter, knowing that there is someone who would do anything for me.
What will I gain:

• not having to check before accepting invitations
• doing things on the spur of the moment

Oh - in my head it felt like more :(

I was doing OK....

I was - I really was. I slept all night last night (except we only went to bed at 1am!), the awful, gnawing emptiness in the stomach hardly happens, the waves of despair are fewer. And then my darling sister-in-law asks how I am. And I fall apart.
I feel that I have let everyone down - the friends and family who love R will lose him because of me. And me, with my high view of marriage and now in a marriage that has failed. So sad, so, so sad.

Learning to live with it

Another gap between blogs. Every now and then I still get surprised by the emotion that overwhelms me, but                                      there sometimes goes a whole day without tears or fear.
I dread the first few months - but mainly because of the finances. I hardly dare admit it, but a part ofd me just wants to get on with it now. If it is inevitable (and it is) then maybe it is better to move, endure the pain and adjustment, and learn to get on with a new life.
Maybe - just maybe - there is a light and a hope that I couldn't even imagine a few weeks ago.........

A week is a long time....

So much has happened -how on earth do I process it all? The creeping realisation is that I'm losing my best friend. That the one person I thought loved me more than anything, who would do anything for me, doesn't (and probably hasn't for some time) love me.
It feels as though he's shedding me as fast as he can. And it shocks me and saddens me and upsets me.
And yet .... we talk, we laugh, we eat together, we do things together.
The tears continue to come - at times I am overwhelmed by the feelings of abandonment. I'm trying to face the reality by telling people - and then I've overwhelmed by their love and care.
I don't want to face the future. I want him to change his mind - but that's not on the cards.
I'm drowning in this vale of tears......... :(
.

Homeless

When it comes to it, I'm sure I'll have somewhere to live. But today it struck me that I no longer have a home.
A home is a place that keeps you safe, that is shared with love, a place where the storms of life can be weathered. And I no longer have that. France was our home. But now that's going to be unsafe as well.
I really can't see any future or hope. Today is not a good day.

Where do I live?

That is the question. Do I stay in pricey (but accessible property) in London or move out to cheaper stuff but with higher travel costs? It makes me physically sick to think that possibly 2/3 of my income will go straight on rent.
And of course - I don't want to go at all :(