I was doing OK....

I was - I really was. I slept all night last night (except we only went to bed at 1am!), the awful, gnawing emptiness in the stomach hardly happens, the waves of despair are fewer. And then my darling sister-in-law asks how I am. And I fall apart.
I feel that I have let everyone down - the friends and family who love R will lose him because of me. And me, with my high view of marriage and now in a marriage that has failed. So sad, so, so sad.

Learning to live with it

Another gap between blogs. Every now and then I still get surprised by the emotion that overwhelms me, but                                      there sometimes goes a whole day without tears or fear.
I dread the first few months - but mainly because of the finances. I hardly dare admit it, but a part ofd me just wants to get on with it now. If it is inevitable (and it is) then maybe it is better to move, endure the pain and adjustment, and learn to get on with a new life.
Maybe - just maybe - there is a light and a hope that I couldn't even imagine a few weeks ago.........

A week is a long time....

So much has happened -how on earth do I process it all? The creeping realisation is that I'm losing my best friend. That the one person I thought loved me more than anything, who would do anything for me, doesn't (and probably hasn't for some time) love me.
It feels as though he's shedding me as fast as he can. And it shocks me and saddens me and upsets me.
And yet .... we talk, we laugh, we eat together, we do things together.
The tears continue to come - at times I am overwhelmed by the feelings of abandonment. I'm trying to face the reality by telling people - and then I've overwhelmed by their love and care.
I don't want to face the future. I want him to change his mind - but that's not on the cards.
I'm drowning in this vale of tears......... :(
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Homeless

When it comes to it, I'm sure I'll have somewhere to live. But today it struck me that I no longer have a home.
A home is a place that keeps you safe, that is shared with love, a place where the storms of life can be weathered. And I no longer have that. France was our home. But now that's going to be unsafe as well.
I really can't see any future or hope. Today is not a good day.

Where do I live?

That is the question. Do I stay in pricey (but accessible property) in London or move out to cheaper stuff but with higher travel costs? It makes me physically sick to think that possibly 2/3 of my income will go straight on rent.
And of course - I don't want to go at all :(

On my own...

R is off on retreat this week. So I get to practice being on my own.
I used to really look forward to the odd days when he was away, a chance to do what I wanted. Now, just 4 hours in, it feels so bleak. I'm sitting here thinking that never again will there be someone who misses me when he's away. Never again will there be someone who looks forward to coming home to me. Never again will time on my own just be fun - it will be a life sentence.

21st January

That's the date. R came back (I want to say home, but home is where you feel safe and loved and I don't) with the news that he has found a flat - and he takes possession on 21st January. So quickly. I'm numb.
I'm glad in one way for him - it's a 2 bedroom flat, more than he thought he could afford. It looks lovely and he even has 3 people he knows in the area.
Where does that leave me? I shan't be able to afford as much in the areas I'm looking. I'm glad and sad and jealous and cross and sad. I'm exhausted.

No end of tears...

When on earth will the tears end? It feels as though I have none left - and yet they continue to come.
The letters arrived on people's doorsteps yesterday; today there have been the texts and phone calls. I am exhausted.
I woke again at 4am. Richard left at 6am to explore Reading as a place to live. My stomach sinks at the very thought of it. Will there ever be anything to look forward to again?

Dying 'young'

So I'm not really young. But I would welcome death. I have no suicidal thoughts (I'm not that brave) but I would not dodge death if it were presented.
It seems to me that life is about anticipating the future - thinking that there is something worth living for. It doesn't feel that way. Once R and I separate why on earth would I want to carry on? I love having him to talk to,to cook for, to be with. If there is no one to share life with, what's the point?
Sorry - a bit dark tonight.